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How come Dr. Drew Doesn't have a show about this?

I've got issues and I've got problems.

When you look up from your computer with a glazed over look like you just woke from a 6 year coma like Steven Segal in that movie with the chick from Weird Science to realize that 3 hrs on may be a bit extreme, you may need to do a little reevaluating. So, self-discipline had to be...well..had. Here was the plan, after I watched my Celts blow game two in overtime, and the Cards got taken to the wood shed by the Chipper-less Braves I was done...finished...through...for the weekend. Thursday through Sunday-no watching sports on TV, no checking sports on my personal Google Machine, and no 101.1 ESPN listening. I know it seems impossible...and it kinda was.

Day 1- Thursday- The Shakes
It was refreshing. Breakfast and news radio in the morning, no sports. I found out that there was a pretty important vote about sewers or something on the coming Tuesday and I made plans to walk two blocks to my local precinct and make my democratic voice heard! As I'm listening to the Quaalude like  tones of the amazing KMOX traffic report long before rush hour, the next thing I hear, the voice of the great (and fellow Mizzou alum) Mike Shannon with the Cardinals recap...quick...I turn down the volume, yet my heart rate still increased like Mitt Romney just got slipped his first caffeinated coffee from one of his brother husbands...(Yes I know he doesn't have any brother husbands, but when a joke is dangling out there...)

I'm a podcast junkie. When you write, copy and paste, and proofread for a living you really don't have to speak for eight hours a day, so you listen. But, the B.S. Report, the best of Mike and Mike, the NBA today, MLB today...nooooooooooooooo!

Thank god for Adam Carolla, Rachel Maddow, and Ira Glass. Leave work, work out, then home...thank you DVR creator..whomever you are you sweet sweet genius....may you be celebrated upon a mountain for keeping all my Bobby Goren mental breakdowns in amazing chronological order.

The evening was saved by Dave Pequignot and the thespianic genius that is Chris O'Donnell in "Vertical Limit." Best worst movie ever.

I made it, one day till the weekend.

Day 2- The Sweet Release that Death Would Bring

This was the tester...My Celts were at home, the Cards were diving into some pond scum in NYC and I was getting the Ray Charles talking to Booger from "Revenge of the Nerds" itch...But hey...I had a template from Thursday to follow, how bad could it be?

I made it through work with my podcasting friends, to the gym where I did cardio while watching the Food Network, talk about keeping your clientele in a perpetual state of needing your services. Then, I was taking the wife out for a nice meal and and there ya have it. Easy day...or so I thought

Is it a slip? Or is it like accidentally taking a swig of 7 and 7 when you thought it was just 7??
The wife and I were home for the night, the TV is on some reality show about Jail that my much better half is somehow entrenched in... so I check the facebook. Harmless right?

Then, there it is, halfway down the news feed, Celtic win!!! I feel's like when Ewen McGreggor has to test the horse near the end of Trainspotting...but I quickly close the firefox tab and shut the laptop. "I didn't go looking for this. It found me, the sports Gods smiled and handed me a pre-bed snack better than milk and cookies... and bourbon." That was my justification...and I feel comfort in it.

Day 3-Death to the Television
I look forward to Saturday morning all week. I get to wake up and head straight to the Heights to hoop with a group of guys I've been playing with for almost four years...doctors, lawyers, consultants, factory workers, name it, they show. The games went well, I won more than I lost, buried a shload of jumpers, a couple reverses and a running hook to name a few...Henry Tre Sims would approve of the effort. I left after two hours drenched in sweat with a smile on my face...then, the lobby.

I look up and to my right above the windows looking into the pool where the geriatrics are swimming slower than "Speed 3: Glacier of Doom" , and what do I see? The face of one Buster Onley with the headline "Johan Santana throws first no-hitter in Mets History." Wow...10am...really? Why do I need this??? Why me, why now...why?? Sorry Nancy.

"It's cool, it's cool," I tell myself. I have a long great day ahead of me. Some time around the house, hanging with my nephew and the wife...then a Bachelor Party. Sports be damned I'm gonna have a great day and push through to Sunday....then....

Does Every Bar have Sports on?
The answer is yes...yes they do. I feel like I'm in my own personal Truman Show with this crap. Ed Harris is hanging in the tower and queuing up every screen as I pass by like some hell bent puppet master. The International Tap House has baseball on every damned television... My will is being tested every move I make like George Clooney in a room full of 28 year old hostesses...I sit with my back to the television and talk to a British Ex-Patriot about community theater and the last 5 Prime Ministers in succession...Home at 3:30 am...

Day 4- Family Volleyball and a Softball to the Stomach

I woke at Sports snarky Lupica yelling "I'm sorry, I didn't think (insert condescending ending clause)." Is it wrong for a grown man to miss Bob Ryan? Sorry...I'm getting side tracked. The day looks daunting yet planned. I have a cousin's graduation party at 2pm, followed by softball with Tom, Mike, Chris, Terry and the boys...I can see the finish line and looks more beautiful than the unveiling of the 2011 World Series Trophy while I'm drinking red wine on my couch with the box score open on yahoo sports while Levon Helm sings "A Train Robbery" in the version of perfection.

The party went sports on outside. My sister Michelle and I dominated the volleyball court like it was the Lonedell R-14 playground circa 1994...the eight-year-olds didn't stand a chance against Team Saulsbery! We're competitors people, and in the words of the great American hero John Rambo, "YOU CAN'T JUST TURN IT OFF!!!!"

Then to the cages and to the Fenton Fields to hear Tom Bartels crack wise for 2.5 hours, mostly at my expense... Side note, when you say "Hold it Tom," don't look away. He will throw a bullet that strikes you square in the stomach in an attempt to nail a straying base runner. Awesome...just awesome. Wanna see what softball stitches look like in bruise form?

I made it home and to bed without much temptation...exhaustion is the best bet to maintain good adult behavior.

Day 5- Is the Water in the Pool Way too Cold?
The week started out just fine...I had kicked the habit Whoppie Goldberg style. I feel clean and mostly sober, but I have a conundrum. I quit watching and my Celts win two in a row against that band of baby losers they call the Heat...but, my Cards loose everything from here to Shea and finally win when I start paying attention. What do I do I do I manage...ohhhh no....I feel a shame spiral coming on....

-Will Saulsbery
Will is a Freelance writer and a musician. He is a native St. Louisian


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