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A Cardinals' Christmas!!!

By: William Saulsbery

So,


The most wonderful time of the year is once again raining joy upon the country I come from...which is called the Midwest. I've been in the giving mood this year, so below are my gifts to Cardinal players and personnel past and present...





Tony LaRussa- I give you Tony, the gift of life eternal... I really don't care what your detractors say...you've won us two pennants and a World Series Ring to go with those 7 Central Division titles. I want you here in town...so drink this magic elixir and stay with us forever...I mean...do we really want Dusty Baker to come to town on his way through all the Central Division Teams???



John Mozeliak- I present you with...a personality...why the hell do you always sound like someone just shot your dog??? Cheer up...You're the GM of the St. Louis Baseball Cardinals...you're not running the Denny's on Hampton and Manchester for God's sake. Wake up and smile...it could get a lot worse my friend.

Chris Carpenter- I give you the 2009 Cy Young award that you should have won. A better ERA and more Wins than that doper from the City by the Bay. It was yours and it was stolen...hope you enjoy having it back.



Rick Ankiel- Your gift this year is a giant plug for that hole in your swing. Other than the Grand Canyon, The Great Wall of China, and Prince Fielder, it's the only thing that can be seen from space. Plug it up and start looking like 2008 Ank...not 2009 Dank.



Adam Wainwright- Adam...you deserve the gift that every pitcher desires...health. We need you to be a workhorse from here till 2025. If you can anchor this rotation for the next half decade and we can squeeze a few good seasons outta Carp and Loshe we'll be in the post season till the sports world finally realizes that Carlos Zambrano actually does suck...



Brian Jordan- I give you the gift of discovery...not for you...for us...what the hell happened to you? Seriously...what the hell happened?



John Tudor- The respect you deserve. Next to Gibson, you were the best Cardinals' pitcher of the second half of the 20th.



Yadier Molina- Ohhh Yaddy Yaddy...I give you two gifts...one, a personal trainer...drop 20 lbs and learn how to leg out a grounder. Two, the ability to get a base hit with one out and men on base...please god...no more inning ending double plays....Ohh, and three...the hope that no one discovers that your right arm is actually a robot arm...Seriously...



Skip Schumaker- Skip...you deserve an All-Star Appearance...keep that average up around .315 for the first half and maybe that human descendant of Jabba the Hut Charlie Manual will pick you for his bench.

David Freese- I give you a f&%$ing clue. Are you kidding me man...two DUI's? Are you completely gone? A .23???? Almost three times the legal limit...I'm glad you didn't kill anyone...but I'm pretty teed off you now can go make millions of dollars. You were one wrong move away from being our second Leonard Little. Grow a brain and call a cab you douche nozzle.

Ray Lankford- You get an apology for that trade to San Diego. Sorry, they have some kind of bet going with Milwaukee to see how much tonnage they can haul from the STL Scrap Heap.
P.S. you were my favorite player growing up

Albert Pujols- I give you Matt Holliday...for 8 years. Can you imagine??? That 3-4 for 8 more years...hello three rings.

Mark McGwire- Ohhh..Marky Mark...no funky bunch for you. You, Mark, get what every athlete from Thorpe to Warner prays for...a second chance. Don't blow this one like you did the first one. We're ready to forgive and to trust you again. We need you again...don't let us down.

So...there it is. The 2009 Cardinal's Christmas...I hope you and yours have Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year...and in the words of the eternal Peter Griffin..."Happy freaking Birthday Jesus!"

-Will Saulsbery

Will Saulsbery is a Graduate of the University of Missouri- Columbia and a Native St. Louisian

1 comment:

  1. Awesome yet again! 3K Ray was a favorite of mine as well... right behind every other baseball player that has ever played the game! Good news though, Troy "I am a total dick nose" Glaus is now a Brave. Congrats Braves, you just got shittier...or as I like to say "Glausier."

    Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete


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